Many people wish to be noticed. I do not exclude myself… until now. Fueled by an argument I did not intend to happen, I had to find the silence within myself and allow my anger to dissipate.
It started out as a simple text to a relative. We, my husband and I, could not attend any holiday functions this year due to our oldest dog who is diabetic, and too fragile to take places. We cannot leave her alone either. Somehow my words were misinterpreted, and I felt the pain of rejection.
I came close to responding in a very wrong manner. We had helped this person many times over in their younger years when their life did not turn out with positive results. My feelings on the edge, I wanted to remind him of all the times we were there for him, of the times he lived with us, of the money we gave him, and that he never once paid us back.
I am grateful I did not. It would have only further damaged what relationship we still have, which right now seems to be very ragged. Had I boasted and forced him to endure my ranting because of my hurt feelings, I would have only made things worse. Much worse. To use this as fire would have not just made the split wider, but would have also damaged myself in ways that would last a life time. The past is the past and needed to stay there no matter my feeling of rejection.
I remember someone doing this to me once. I needed desperately to get away from them, and this person reminded ME of all the things THEY did for me. Guilt overwhelmed me, but it also angered me. I argued back about all the things I had done for them. This solved nothing and we parted, both of us walking on shards of emotions shattered.
A person who boasts of what they have done for someone, or boasts about what great deeds they performed is nothing but a person who seeks self gratification. I know this now and will never, ever, think of using that to make another feel small, or guilty, or to hurt them because I feel the sting of another’s words or actions. A good deed done in silence is the only true good deed.